"I'm still getting back to who I want to be. I want to have pillars that I can hold onto through life's storms and baselines where I can recenter myself when I don't know where to go."
I wrote that almost two years ago, and I can honestly say I've missed writing for all it's in-betweens and maybes. I didn't know what I wanted, and I'm still not sure I do, but I've got a lot more to go on from where I used to be.
Rebuilding has been a task, and one that I didn't know if I was fit to take on, but it's gotten me this far, and I like where I am. I'm working as a middle school teacher who gets to make a difference (whether positive or negative, I'm still figuring out), I have a pup who keeps me honest and opens my heart a little more each day, and I have a strength I couldn't have dreamed of in my furthest approximations. My horizons are as far as the east is from the west, and though smooth sailing is never a guarantee, I can't wait to see what's beyond this harbor.
Looking back on all that's happened, I can't say anything was of my own doing, rather it was learning to swim in the middle of a typhoon and coming out the other side with a better understanding of storm warnings. I leaned on everyone along the way, lost sight of my purpose and value, and found it all again and more. While it's cliche, and I wish I could offer more as to the secrets of a happy life, it's in the smallest things.
I read once that good journalism is in the details, and the bigger the event, the smaller you report on. You don't talk about the devastation to a city or the ruin of a village, you talk about a child's pair of singed socks in the street. So, rather than talk about the crumbled ruins of my youthful reveries, I'll talk about the gentle ache of a new piercing I got with a beloved friend.
That gentle ache reminds me often of the love and acceptance I've experienced over the last few years and the wonderful experiences I've gathered tokens from, like my newest ear adornment, along the way. It's also in the warm invitations to people's homes and the general check-ins from friends who I haven't caught up with yet. It's in the pictures decorating my walls and fridge and the notes from students I've saved on my desk. I can look in every corner of my life and sense care radiating from the scars I've collected, and I chose to wear them now as war paint; it's a choice to see those things as building blocks for who I've become and something that enhances my life rather than takes away from it, but it's worth choosing.
In closing, I want to extend to anyone who has been a part of this journey, for however long or however long ago it was, my thanks. The preparations for a new chapter were arduous and difficult, but I feel better having had you by my side for that excursion. You have helped me more than you could ever know, and I'm so glad that we all made it here.
We did it.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."- John 14:27
