Sometimes, I Want to Just Run Away

Today was my very worst day in the entire time I've been in college. I started off the morning late for class because I managed to sleep through both alarms I set up. Undaunted, I convinced myself this was going to be a great day if I just kept telling myself that it would be. I went to class, made it through the 3 hours of lecture and activities, and was asked to stay after class by my teacher. She leads me to her office only to say that if I get 100% on the remaining assignments in one portion of the class, the highest grade I can get is a D, and I'll have to drop all nine units worth of credit since the three classes I take from her must be taken concurrently.

I steeled my will and resisted the urge to cry, convinced this was a test from God to see how I trust in Him at all times. I had an appointment at a local school directly after my second class of the day so I drove and parked in the pay-by-the-hour spot. Armed with quarters, I walk over to the kiosk only to find a man working on the only machine in the nearest 500 yards. He informs me that the machine should be up by this afternoon, and I should be able to park in the spot until then. I see other cars in the other designated spots, but I leave a note on my dash stating that the machine was broken and I'd be back in an hour just to be cautious.  Sitting in class 30 minutes later, I felt uneasy, so I grabbed some quarters and made my way to the lot to see if the machine was fixed yet only to find my car booted with yet another $90 ticket on the windshield.  The supervisor at parking services was as sympathetic to my case as a wall would have been. After paying the appropriate people the appropriate amounts, my car was released and I made my way to where I needed to go that afternoon.

On my drive back, I couldn't fight it any longer as the tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't overcome the feeling of utter failure and hopelessness.  I rounded the last few corners and hoped I wouldn't see anyone I know, or if I did that they wouldn't see the tears trickling out from under my sunglasses. Finally, I said one little prayer that I would find a close parking spot so I could go up to my room as quickly as possible.

Now, the way my apartment complex is set up, there is one main row, with limited parking, flanked by the buildings on either side, that leads to a parking garage at the back. I think I've been able to park on the main row twice since I moved here one month ago. As I drive past my building, the last one on the left, there is one singular parking spot, directly in front of the stairwell that leads to my apartment. Through all the turmoil, heartbreak, and confusion of the day, my one tiny prayer was answered. Even when it seemed like everyone was disappointed in me or giving me some terrible news or telling me that there was nothing they could do, He did something. I'm still trying to figure this whole mess of a day out, but that simple act of kindness was like God saying, "I know things are bad now, but please, just hold on and I'll answer all the rest of your prayers, too. Just wait." It pulled me out of my head and made me see that in the darkest moments there are tiny slivers of glittering hope if we just look for them long enough.

I realized more than anything, my pride was hurt today, which is something I have trouble dealing with.  I was going to enjoy telling people how, in my senior year of college, I carried 22 credits my first semester, worked part time, and completed 70 hours in a real classroom outside of all of that, all while donating plasma once a week and volunteering at church every week, still finding time to have a social life. I was going to revel in the adoration and astonishment that was going to get me, similar to that when I told them I graduated high school a semester early, got my Associate's three semesters later at 18 and would have my Bachelor's by the time I'm 20. It was going to be the crowning achievement of my young life, and now that was shot. I had to promise to pay my parent's back when I saw them next and rehash every painful detail of dealing with parking services and listen to their disappointment.  I set up an appointment with a free counseling service through my school and hopefully that will help me learn to deal with these things more maturely.

I'll end with one verse. I found it and wrote it down a long time ago for a friend of mine who I thought was going down a dangerous path, but I think I was meant to remember it for my own sake now.
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."-Proverbs 11:3

YOLO

I have an hour between classes, so I thought I'd chronicle a little bit of what's been going on with me today.
I'm doing things differently these days, or at least, I'm trying to. Since I last posted, I've moved four times, and I'm only one school year away from graduating and one calendar year away from student teaching. It's all very scary and going by quickly and tediously slow at the same time.  As I've settled in to my latest house, I'm trying to get my life and my room in some kind of order. It's nice sometimes to realize that God has everything taken care of, and I can rest in that knowledge when things get really stressful.
Lately, growing in the Word has been left by the wayside. I figured my Sunday service attendance was enough for the time being.  Even when I do read, I usually just do the whole close my eyes and open my Bible, hoping for some Divine intervention and a glowing revelation of a poignant verse to appear before me. Usually, I feel like I'm not doing it right, but I think just doing it in and of itself is right, so I'll keep going.
One thing I want to preface about me is that I've been called many names, including weird, teacher's pet, goody two shoes, strange, quirky, different, hipster, gypsy(hence, gypsy Christian), poser, naive, and funny. And not funny in a humorous way, but that kind of funny where people crinkle their nose and mean it more as an insult then a compliment of your comedic prowess.  Nowadays, I don't mind so very much, but it wasn't always that way. Also, I hated middle school. As any graduate of public middle school will tell you, being different is not highly coveted during that time period or looked upon fondly.
As I began my usual reading ritual of flipping through my tattered Bible that I've had since I was a preteen, I flipped towards the back and landed in 1 Peter.  Luckily, this Bible has little blurbs that explain certain verses, and I often look to them when I need some layman's term explanations of verses that seem so outdated and alien.  This particular blurb mentioned 1 Peter 2:9-12. It states that we are to be different.
"Hmmm, maybe that meant something else back then. Let's cross check with the handy-dandy study Bible on my desk."
Nope, same definition. Different. Awesome. Well, this is going to be fun at a largely liberal college. "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."-1 Peter 2:12
I don't know how well this is going to go over with my friends. But are they really my friends if I can't be true to myself around them?  Looking back one verse, Peter writes, "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul". How could I want a life full of acts that wage war against my soul? As I think more about my peers, I realize that many of them are unhappy with their lives, yet claim freedom and independence on the weekends when they do as they please. They have to try so hard to convince themselves that they're living the life they want and having fun while doing so, yet end up crying come Monday and often regret their decisions, all the while saying they have "no regrets". The phrase YOLO comes to mind.  I've also come across the saying, "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough". I can only have faith in the knowledge that God is looking out for those who love Him, and try my best to count myself among them.
As the phrase goes, "I don't have it all figured out", and I don't. I hardly have this next week figured out. God has it all figured out though, so I guess I can't see the harm in trusting Him with all that I have and getting to check "Figure life out" off my list of things to do.