Sometimes, I Want to Just Run Away

Today was my very worst day in the entire time I've been in college. I started off the morning late for class because I managed to sleep through both alarms I set up. Undaunted, I convinced myself this was going to be a great day if I just kept telling myself that it would be. I went to class, made it through the 3 hours of lecture and activities, and was asked to stay after class by my teacher. She leads me to her office only to say that if I get 100% on the remaining assignments in one portion of the class, the highest grade I can get is a D, and I'll have to drop all nine units worth of credit since the three classes I take from her must be taken concurrently.

I steeled my will and resisted the urge to cry, convinced this was a test from God to see how I trust in Him at all times. I had an appointment at a local school directly after my second class of the day so I drove and parked in the pay-by-the-hour spot. Armed with quarters, I walk over to the kiosk only to find a man working on the only machine in the nearest 500 yards. He informs me that the machine should be up by this afternoon, and I should be able to park in the spot until then. I see other cars in the other designated spots, but I leave a note on my dash stating that the machine was broken and I'd be back in an hour just to be cautious.  Sitting in class 30 minutes later, I felt uneasy, so I grabbed some quarters and made my way to the lot to see if the machine was fixed yet only to find my car booted with yet another $90 ticket on the windshield.  The supervisor at parking services was as sympathetic to my case as a wall would have been. After paying the appropriate people the appropriate amounts, my car was released and I made my way to where I needed to go that afternoon.

On my drive back, I couldn't fight it any longer as the tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't overcome the feeling of utter failure and hopelessness.  I rounded the last few corners and hoped I wouldn't see anyone I know, or if I did that they wouldn't see the tears trickling out from under my sunglasses. Finally, I said one little prayer that I would find a close parking spot so I could go up to my room as quickly as possible.

Now, the way my apartment complex is set up, there is one main row, with limited parking, flanked by the buildings on either side, that leads to a parking garage at the back. I think I've been able to park on the main row twice since I moved here one month ago. As I drive past my building, the last one on the left, there is one singular parking spot, directly in front of the stairwell that leads to my apartment. Through all the turmoil, heartbreak, and confusion of the day, my one tiny prayer was answered. Even when it seemed like everyone was disappointed in me or giving me some terrible news or telling me that there was nothing they could do, He did something. I'm still trying to figure this whole mess of a day out, but that simple act of kindness was like God saying, "I know things are bad now, but please, just hold on and I'll answer all the rest of your prayers, too. Just wait." It pulled me out of my head and made me see that in the darkest moments there are tiny slivers of glittering hope if we just look for them long enough.

I realized more than anything, my pride was hurt today, which is something I have trouble dealing with.  I was going to enjoy telling people how, in my senior year of college, I carried 22 credits my first semester, worked part time, and completed 70 hours in a real classroom outside of all of that, all while donating plasma once a week and volunteering at church every week, still finding time to have a social life. I was going to revel in the adoration and astonishment that was going to get me, similar to that when I told them I graduated high school a semester early, got my Associate's three semesters later at 18 and would have my Bachelor's by the time I'm 20. It was going to be the crowning achievement of my young life, and now that was shot. I had to promise to pay my parent's back when I saw them next and rehash every painful detail of dealing with parking services and listen to their disappointment.  I set up an appointment with a free counseling service through my school and hopefully that will help me learn to deal with these things more maturely.

I'll end with one verse. I found it and wrote it down a long time ago for a friend of mine who I thought was going down a dangerous path, but I think I was meant to remember it for my own sake now.
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."-Proverbs 11:3