I always feel compelled to write about certain things. God has this way of making it obvious, usually painfully so, about what should go into these posts of mine. But with the pain of whatever He puts on my heart, the healing I feel after delving into those subjects I don't normally talk about and into His word about them is blissfully cathartic.
Tonight, it really is about the heart. After contemplating my next post, it seems that He is insistent that I reveal my soul on the subject of love, waiting, marriage, and lust, so here goes everything.
Lately, it seems as if everyone and their brother is getting in a relationship, getting engaged, getting married, or generally having a grand time with their soul mate. I think it's something in the pollen or the air this time of year that causes it, but I, regrettably, am incredibly bitter about this. I get frustrated, jealous, catty, and feed on self pity and anger. I get those terrible feelings that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, God has forgotten me, and I must have something inherently wrong with me to have made it this far in life without a boyfriend. Mind you, I remember about this time that for years I've prayed for the one God has set aside for me, and the tack on to that prayer has always been that God would spare me heartache and get rid of all distractions and intermediary boyfriends. Nonetheless, I decide that I am interested in all the wrong guys and am upset when things don't work out. My thought process goes something like this: "Oh! He's cute. And nice. God wouldn't have brought him into my life if he wasn't at least a possibility. Maybe God needs me to make opportunities to talk to him. He won't know I'm serious unless I make the effort. I mean, God can't just lay everything out in front of me, I have to meet Him halfway! Well, he doesn't seem to be reciprocating, so maybe he's not the one. Eh, it's probably not meant to be anyway... Oh! He's cute over there." And scene. You'd think I'd get tired of playing the hopeless romantic all the time.
Let's just go back to one phrase in that little soliloquy- "God needs me". Is that ever the case? Sure, God can USE me, and God may WANT me, but there is never a time when God NEEDS me. I am the one who needs God all the time, every day, always.
This weekend at church, the speaker referenced Ephesians 2:8-9. It's one of the more well known verses, referring to salvation by faith and not works. It reads, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast". I've always just simplified that verse to "faith, not works", and I realized that could apply to my situation here, too. If I have no faith in God that He will provide for all my needs, that He cares for me, and that He is orchestrating every relationship in my life, then I rely on my works. I work to make different boys "the one", to keep the friendship afloat, and keep things interesting. I work to put them in my life and keep them there. If I believe in the prayer that I pray for my future husband and I believe that God will answer it, then I don't need to be forcing things to happen. God does not need my interjection into His perfect plans for me. Why is that so easy to say and so hard to do?
Missionary dating-(noun) When you think you are going to be a good influence on a non-believer, so you date them with the assumption that they will come to Christ because of your conviction and strength of faith. This is always a favorite subject for me because I denounce missionary dating to my friends and justify it for myself. Luke 6:42, anyone? "How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of
your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye?". I think I'm different for some reason, and while everyone is different, not one person is the same, we aren't that dissimilar. The only verse I have for my own struggle with justifying this to myself is the first sentence of II Corinthians 7:14, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers". I don't think it gets much clearer than that, and it's a good thing too because I can be very dense.
So, we've covered love and waiting; now for lust and marriage.
I may not have the same struggles that everyone else has, but I think people can relate on some level to the essentials of a problem- be it jealousy, anger, lethargy, or pride. There are very specific things that I long for, some may even say lust for, and one of those things is to one day be married. That's great, right?! Well, it's great until I start worrying about it, wondering if I should be doing more, getting anxious. People always tell me, "It's going to happen when you least expect it! You've just got to stop looking!"
Encouraging? Sure. Helpful? Not really.
There are seemingly endless verses about marriage, waiting, lust, and especially love. Romans 5:3-5 states "Let us also glory in our sufferings for we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope". Not explicitly about love, but the trials and tribulations of waiting for that one person can be eased when this verse is applied. In suffering, in disparity, in hurt, there is hope. When we're down to our last straw and all out of ideas, we learn perseverance, and with perseverance we build character. Lastly, from our character we gather hope: hope for our present situation, whatever it may be, and hope for our future.
My last verse that I want to share with you is one of my favorites. It always seems to pop into my head whenever things get really difficult or the future seems bleak. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"-Proverbs 4:23. To know that what I'm doing matters and there is solace in being single and guarding my heart makes life a little easier for me.
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Up and Up
Goodness, can't I think of titles besides Relient K songs? Oh well.
After my last post, I received a LOT of support and understanding from people I had no idea even paid attention to the stuff I write. Friends texted me from out of the blue saying they read it and they were there for me if I ever needed to talk. My parents had a better understanding of what I was going through since I often times shut them out when I don't want to talk about my shortcomings or other difficult subjects.
If Tuesday was the my worst day in Arizona yet, then the rest of the week was great to the same degree. On Thursday, I walked into a random office in the building where I just had class to get a paper signed by the appropriate people before my meeting with my counselor about my new game plan with Tuesday's setback. Turns out that would be the office of one of the nicest ladies I've ever dealt with at my college. She took and threw away my paper, printed up some new ones, and informed me that she would try and get my $1000 tuition fee from a summer class I dropped. She called in favors, pulled some strings, and walked me to the dean's office to sweet talk the secretary and make sure I was all set. I almost cried. Instead, I gave her two passes to the movies that I get every month from working there. You would have thought I gave her a hundred dollar bill. I told her about my plans to try and student teach abroad, but with the program through the Department of Defense on hiatus, I was a bit lost. She cocks an eyebrow and says, "I have a friend who works with the Department of Defense. Shoot her an email and say you know me. She might be able to do something for you."
That was almost two weeks ago now, and I still go in and see her.
The rest of my weekend was all family and presents and relaxing. I calmly spoke to my mom about my new expected graduation date, which is only one semester more than originally planned. She was very supportive.
My counseling appointment is still in the process of being set up, but I have high hopes that it can do nothing but help me at this point in my career and life. You would think they would respond more quickly to people who want counseling, no?
Pride has been the theme of the month for me. It'll probably turn out to be the theme of the year. I realized something though- I was putting my pride in all the wrong places, and everything was crashing down around me. I should pride myself on strength of character, not how many people compliment my outfit. I should be striving to honor my parents by doing the best that I can with the education they are providing for me, not convince them that college just doesn't get me and maybe I should take some time off. All the things I prided myself on (being able to talk my way out of things, passing classes with the minimum of homework done, the put togetherness I presented myself with in all situations) were all for naught. I couldn't talk my way out of the boot on my car. I couldn't pass the class without buying the book or by putting off the homework and believing my teacher would understand. I couldn't pull myself together to save my own sorry ego from the disappointment in my parent's faces. I was trying to pass life with the minimum of effort.
I looked up some verses on pride. Of course, by happenstance I was flipping through my Bible to find a verse in Galatians when I stumbled upon Colossians. I instantly had a song pop in my head from when I was about four years old and still listened to a kid's Christian songs cassette tape. "Colossians THREE, Colossians three, twenty threeeeeeee. Whatever you do, (guitar riff) work at it with all your heart! As working for the Lord, not for men." I promise you, I will never forget Colossians 3:23.
Perfectly pertinent. Time to place pride in my schoolwork, in my ability to study, not in my ability to procrastinate. Time to take pride in a life of work and dedication, not leisure and ease. I never want another day to pass where I say, "Man, I wish I could do this day again" because any day where I say that is a day I haven't given everything I've got.
Back to the verse in Galatians; I found it finally. Just one verse was presented in the article, but I read the whole chapter. Let's have a look at the main points: "If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.... A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."-Galatians 6:3-5, 8-9
Well, shoot. It's fitting that I have to do homework now, but I leave you with this final musing: "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."-Henry Ford.
After my last post, I received a LOT of support and understanding from people I had no idea even paid attention to the stuff I write. Friends texted me from out of the blue saying they read it and they were there for me if I ever needed to talk. My parents had a better understanding of what I was going through since I often times shut them out when I don't want to talk about my shortcomings or other difficult subjects.
If Tuesday was the my worst day in Arizona yet, then the rest of the week was great to the same degree. On Thursday, I walked into a random office in the building where I just had class to get a paper signed by the appropriate people before my meeting with my counselor about my new game plan with Tuesday's setback. Turns out that would be the office of one of the nicest ladies I've ever dealt with at my college. She took and threw away my paper, printed up some new ones, and informed me that she would try and get my $1000 tuition fee from a summer class I dropped. She called in favors, pulled some strings, and walked me to the dean's office to sweet talk the secretary and make sure I was all set. I almost cried. Instead, I gave her two passes to the movies that I get every month from working there. You would have thought I gave her a hundred dollar bill. I told her about my plans to try and student teach abroad, but with the program through the Department of Defense on hiatus, I was a bit lost. She cocks an eyebrow and says, "I have a friend who works with the Department of Defense. Shoot her an email and say you know me. She might be able to do something for you."
That was almost two weeks ago now, and I still go in and see her.
The rest of my weekend was all family and presents and relaxing. I calmly spoke to my mom about my new expected graduation date, which is only one semester more than originally planned. She was very supportive.
My counseling appointment is still in the process of being set up, but I have high hopes that it can do nothing but help me at this point in my career and life. You would think they would respond more quickly to people who want counseling, no?
Pride has been the theme of the month for me. It'll probably turn out to be the theme of the year. I realized something though- I was putting my pride in all the wrong places, and everything was crashing down around me. I should pride myself on strength of character, not how many people compliment my outfit. I should be striving to honor my parents by doing the best that I can with the education they are providing for me, not convince them that college just doesn't get me and maybe I should take some time off. All the things I prided myself on (being able to talk my way out of things, passing classes with the minimum of homework done, the put togetherness I presented myself with in all situations) were all for naught. I couldn't talk my way out of the boot on my car. I couldn't pass the class without buying the book or by putting off the homework and believing my teacher would understand. I couldn't pull myself together to save my own sorry ego from the disappointment in my parent's faces. I was trying to pass life with the minimum of effort.
I looked up some verses on pride. Of course, by happenstance I was flipping through my Bible to find a verse in Galatians when I stumbled upon Colossians. I instantly had a song pop in my head from when I was about four years old and still listened to a kid's Christian songs cassette tape. "Colossians THREE, Colossians three, twenty threeeeeeee. Whatever you do, (guitar riff) work at it with all your heart! As working for the Lord, not for men." I promise you, I will never forget Colossians 3:23.
Perfectly pertinent. Time to place pride in my schoolwork, in my ability to study, not in my ability to procrastinate. Time to take pride in a life of work and dedication, not leisure and ease. I never want another day to pass where I say, "Man, I wish I could do this day again" because any day where I say that is a day I haven't given everything I've got.
Back to the verse in Galatians; I found it finally. Just one verse was presented in the article, but I read the whole chapter. Let's have a look at the main points: "If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.... A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."-Galatians 6:3-5, 8-9
Well, shoot. It's fitting that I have to do homework now, but I leave you with this final musing: "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."-Henry Ford.
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