I always feel compelled to write about certain things. God has this way of making it obvious, usually painfully so, about what should go into these posts of mine. But with the pain of whatever He puts on my heart, the healing I feel after delving into those subjects I don't normally talk about and into His word about them is blissfully cathartic.
Tonight, it really is about the heart. After contemplating my next post, it seems that He is insistent that I reveal my soul on the subject of love, waiting, marriage, and lust, so here goes everything.
Lately, it seems as if everyone and their brother is getting in a relationship, getting engaged, getting married, or generally having a grand time with their soul mate. I think it's something in the pollen or the air this time of year that causes it, but I, regrettably, am incredibly bitter about this. I get frustrated, jealous, catty, and feed on self pity and anger. I get those terrible feelings that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, God has forgotten me, and I must have something inherently wrong with me to have made it this far in life without a boyfriend. Mind you, I remember about this time that for years I've prayed for the one God has set aside for me, and the tack on to that prayer has always been that God would spare me heartache and get rid of all distractions and intermediary boyfriends. Nonetheless, I decide that I am interested in all the wrong guys and am upset when things don't work out. My thought process goes something like this: "Oh! He's cute. And nice. God wouldn't have brought him into my life if he wasn't at least a possibility. Maybe God needs me to make opportunities to talk to him. He won't know I'm serious unless I make the effort. I mean, God can't just lay everything out in front of me, I have to meet Him halfway! Well, he doesn't seem to be reciprocating, so maybe he's not the one. Eh, it's probably not meant to be anyway... Oh! He's cute over there." And scene. You'd think I'd get tired of playing the hopeless romantic all the time.
Let's just go back to one phrase in that little soliloquy- "God needs me". Is that ever the case? Sure, God can USE me, and God may WANT me, but there is never a time when God NEEDS me. I am the one who needs God all the time, every day, always.
This weekend at church, the speaker referenced Ephesians 2:8-9. It's one of the more well known verses, referring to salvation by faith and not works. It reads, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast". I've always just simplified that verse to "faith, not works", and I realized that could apply to my situation here, too. If I have no faith in God that He will provide for all my needs, that He cares for me, and that He is orchestrating every relationship in my life, then I rely on my works. I work to make different boys "the one", to keep the friendship afloat, and keep things interesting. I work to put them in my life and keep them there. If I believe in the prayer that I pray for my future husband and I believe that God will answer it, then I don't need to be forcing things to happen. God does not need my interjection into His perfect plans for me. Why is that so easy to say and so hard to do?
Missionary dating-(noun) When you think you are going to be a good influence on a non-believer, so you date them with the assumption that they will come to Christ because of your conviction and strength of faith. This is always a favorite subject for me because I denounce missionary dating to my friends and justify it for myself. Luke 6:42, anyone? "How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of
your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye?". I think I'm different for some reason, and while everyone is different, not one person is the same, we aren't that dissimilar. The only verse I have for my own struggle with justifying this to myself is the first sentence of II Corinthians 7:14, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers". I don't think it gets much clearer than that, and it's a good thing too because I can be very dense.
So, we've covered love and waiting; now for lust and marriage.
I may not have the same struggles that everyone else has, but I think people can relate on some level to the essentials of a problem- be it jealousy, anger, lethargy, or pride. There are very specific things that I long for, some may even say lust for, and one of those things is to one day be married. That's great, right?! Well, it's great until I start worrying about it, wondering if I should be doing more, getting anxious. People always tell me, "It's going to happen when you least expect it! You've just got to stop looking!"
Encouraging? Sure. Helpful? Not really.
There are seemingly endless verses about marriage, waiting, lust, and especially love. Romans 5:3-5 states "Let us also glory in our sufferings for we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope". Not explicitly about love, but the trials and tribulations of waiting for that one person can be eased when this verse is applied. In suffering, in disparity, in hurt, there is hope. When we're down to our last straw and all out of ideas, we learn perseverance, and with perseverance we build character. Lastly, from our character we gather hope: hope for our present situation, whatever it may be, and hope for our future.
My last verse that I want to share with you is one of my favorites. It always seems to pop into my head whenever things get really difficult or the future seems bleak. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"-Proverbs 4:23. To know that what I'm doing matters and there is solace in being single and guarding my heart makes life a little easier for me.
Thanks for reading.
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