I always feel compelled to write about certain things. God has this way of making it obvious, usually painfully so, about what should go into these posts of mine. But with the pain of whatever He puts on my heart, the healing I feel after delving into those subjects I don't normally talk about and into His word about them is blissfully cathartic.
Tonight, it really is about the heart. After contemplating my next post, it seems that He is insistent that I reveal my soul on the subject of love, waiting, marriage, and lust, so here goes everything.
Lately, it seems as if everyone and their brother is getting in a relationship, getting engaged, getting married, or generally having a grand time with their soul mate. I think it's something in the pollen or the air this time of year that causes it, but I, regrettably, am incredibly bitter about this. I get frustrated, jealous, catty, and feed on self pity and anger. I get those terrible feelings that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, God has forgotten me, and I must have something inherently wrong with me to have made it this far in life without a boyfriend. Mind you, I remember about this time that for years I've prayed for the one God has set aside for me, and the tack on to that prayer has always been that God would spare me heartache and get rid of all distractions and intermediary boyfriends. Nonetheless, I decide that I am interested in all the wrong guys and am upset when things don't work out. My thought process goes something like this: "Oh! He's cute. And nice. God wouldn't have brought him into my life if he wasn't at least a possibility. Maybe God needs me to make opportunities to talk to him. He won't know I'm serious unless I make the effort. I mean, God can't just lay everything out in front of me, I have to meet Him halfway! Well, he doesn't seem to be reciprocating, so maybe he's not the one. Eh, it's probably not meant to be anyway... Oh! He's cute over there." And scene. You'd think I'd get tired of playing the hopeless romantic all the time.
Let's just go back to one phrase in that little soliloquy- "God needs me". Is that ever the case? Sure, God can USE me, and God may WANT me, but there is never a time when God NEEDS me. I am the one who needs God all the time, every day, always.
This weekend at church, the speaker referenced Ephesians 2:8-9. It's one of the more well known verses, referring to salvation by faith and not works. It reads, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast". I've always just simplified that verse to "faith, not works", and I realized that could apply to my situation here, too. If I have no faith in God that He will provide for all my needs, that He cares for me, and that He is orchestrating every relationship in my life, then I rely on my works. I work to make different boys "the one", to keep the friendship afloat, and keep things interesting. I work to put them in my life and keep them there. If I believe in the prayer that I pray for my future husband and I believe that God will answer it, then I don't need to be forcing things to happen. God does not need my interjection into His perfect plans for me. Why is that so easy to say and so hard to do?
Missionary dating-(noun) When you think you are going to be a good influence on a non-believer, so you date them with the assumption that they will come to Christ because of your conviction and strength of faith. This is always a favorite subject for me because I denounce missionary dating to my friends and justify it for myself. Luke 6:42, anyone? "How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of
your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye?". I think I'm different for some reason, and while everyone is different, not one person is the same, we aren't that dissimilar. The only verse I have for my own struggle with justifying this to myself is the first sentence of II Corinthians 7:14, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers". I don't think it gets much clearer than that, and it's a good thing too because I can be very dense.
So, we've covered love and waiting; now for lust and marriage.
I may not have the same struggles that everyone else has, but I think people can relate on some level to the essentials of a problem- be it jealousy, anger, lethargy, or pride. There are very specific things that I long for, some may even say lust for, and one of those things is to one day be married. That's great, right?! Well, it's great until I start worrying about it, wondering if I should be doing more, getting anxious. People always tell me, "It's going to happen when you least expect it! You've just got to stop looking!"
Encouraging? Sure. Helpful? Not really.
There are seemingly endless verses about marriage, waiting, lust, and especially love. Romans 5:3-5 states "Let us also glory in our sufferings for we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope". Not explicitly about love, but the trials and tribulations of waiting for that one person can be eased when this verse is applied. In suffering, in disparity, in hurt, there is hope. When we're down to our last straw and all out of ideas, we learn perseverance, and with perseverance we build character. Lastly, from our character we gather hope: hope for our present situation, whatever it may be, and hope for our future.
My last verse that I want to share with you is one of my favorites. It always seems to pop into my head whenever things get really difficult or the future seems bleak. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"-Proverbs 4:23. To know that what I'm doing matters and there is solace in being single and guarding my heart makes life a little easier for me.
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Up and Up
Goodness, can't I think of titles besides Relient K songs? Oh well.
After my last post, I received a LOT of support and understanding from people I had no idea even paid attention to the stuff I write. Friends texted me from out of the blue saying they read it and they were there for me if I ever needed to talk. My parents had a better understanding of what I was going through since I often times shut them out when I don't want to talk about my shortcomings or other difficult subjects.
If Tuesday was the my worst day in Arizona yet, then the rest of the week was great to the same degree. On Thursday, I walked into a random office in the building where I just had class to get a paper signed by the appropriate people before my meeting with my counselor about my new game plan with Tuesday's setback. Turns out that would be the office of one of the nicest ladies I've ever dealt with at my college. She took and threw away my paper, printed up some new ones, and informed me that she would try and get my $1000 tuition fee from a summer class I dropped. She called in favors, pulled some strings, and walked me to the dean's office to sweet talk the secretary and make sure I was all set. I almost cried. Instead, I gave her two passes to the movies that I get every month from working there. You would have thought I gave her a hundred dollar bill. I told her about my plans to try and student teach abroad, but with the program through the Department of Defense on hiatus, I was a bit lost. She cocks an eyebrow and says, "I have a friend who works with the Department of Defense. Shoot her an email and say you know me. She might be able to do something for you."
That was almost two weeks ago now, and I still go in and see her.
The rest of my weekend was all family and presents and relaxing. I calmly spoke to my mom about my new expected graduation date, which is only one semester more than originally planned. She was very supportive.
My counseling appointment is still in the process of being set up, but I have high hopes that it can do nothing but help me at this point in my career and life. You would think they would respond more quickly to people who want counseling, no?
Pride has been the theme of the month for me. It'll probably turn out to be the theme of the year. I realized something though- I was putting my pride in all the wrong places, and everything was crashing down around me. I should pride myself on strength of character, not how many people compliment my outfit. I should be striving to honor my parents by doing the best that I can with the education they are providing for me, not convince them that college just doesn't get me and maybe I should take some time off. All the things I prided myself on (being able to talk my way out of things, passing classes with the minimum of homework done, the put togetherness I presented myself with in all situations) were all for naught. I couldn't talk my way out of the boot on my car. I couldn't pass the class without buying the book or by putting off the homework and believing my teacher would understand. I couldn't pull myself together to save my own sorry ego from the disappointment in my parent's faces. I was trying to pass life with the minimum of effort.
I looked up some verses on pride. Of course, by happenstance I was flipping through my Bible to find a verse in Galatians when I stumbled upon Colossians. I instantly had a song pop in my head from when I was about four years old and still listened to a kid's Christian songs cassette tape. "Colossians THREE, Colossians three, twenty threeeeeeee. Whatever you do, (guitar riff) work at it with all your heart! As working for the Lord, not for men." I promise you, I will never forget Colossians 3:23.
Perfectly pertinent. Time to place pride in my schoolwork, in my ability to study, not in my ability to procrastinate. Time to take pride in a life of work and dedication, not leisure and ease. I never want another day to pass where I say, "Man, I wish I could do this day again" because any day where I say that is a day I haven't given everything I've got.
Back to the verse in Galatians; I found it finally. Just one verse was presented in the article, but I read the whole chapter. Let's have a look at the main points: "If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.... A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."-Galatians 6:3-5, 8-9
Well, shoot. It's fitting that I have to do homework now, but I leave you with this final musing: "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."-Henry Ford.
After my last post, I received a LOT of support and understanding from people I had no idea even paid attention to the stuff I write. Friends texted me from out of the blue saying they read it and they were there for me if I ever needed to talk. My parents had a better understanding of what I was going through since I often times shut them out when I don't want to talk about my shortcomings or other difficult subjects.
If Tuesday was the my worst day in Arizona yet, then the rest of the week was great to the same degree. On Thursday, I walked into a random office in the building where I just had class to get a paper signed by the appropriate people before my meeting with my counselor about my new game plan with Tuesday's setback. Turns out that would be the office of one of the nicest ladies I've ever dealt with at my college. She took and threw away my paper, printed up some new ones, and informed me that she would try and get my $1000 tuition fee from a summer class I dropped. She called in favors, pulled some strings, and walked me to the dean's office to sweet talk the secretary and make sure I was all set. I almost cried. Instead, I gave her two passes to the movies that I get every month from working there. You would have thought I gave her a hundred dollar bill. I told her about my plans to try and student teach abroad, but with the program through the Department of Defense on hiatus, I was a bit lost. She cocks an eyebrow and says, "I have a friend who works with the Department of Defense. Shoot her an email and say you know me. She might be able to do something for you."
That was almost two weeks ago now, and I still go in and see her.
The rest of my weekend was all family and presents and relaxing. I calmly spoke to my mom about my new expected graduation date, which is only one semester more than originally planned. She was very supportive.
My counseling appointment is still in the process of being set up, but I have high hopes that it can do nothing but help me at this point in my career and life. You would think they would respond more quickly to people who want counseling, no?
Pride has been the theme of the month for me. It'll probably turn out to be the theme of the year. I realized something though- I was putting my pride in all the wrong places, and everything was crashing down around me. I should pride myself on strength of character, not how many people compliment my outfit. I should be striving to honor my parents by doing the best that I can with the education they are providing for me, not convince them that college just doesn't get me and maybe I should take some time off. All the things I prided myself on (being able to talk my way out of things, passing classes with the minimum of homework done, the put togetherness I presented myself with in all situations) were all for naught. I couldn't talk my way out of the boot on my car. I couldn't pass the class without buying the book or by putting off the homework and believing my teacher would understand. I couldn't pull myself together to save my own sorry ego from the disappointment in my parent's faces. I was trying to pass life with the minimum of effort.
I looked up some verses on pride. Of course, by happenstance I was flipping through my Bible to find a verse in Galatians when I stumbled upon Colossians. I instantly had a song pop in my head from when I was about four years old and still listened to a kid's Christian songs cassette tape. "Colossians THREE, Colossians three, twenty threeeeeeee. Whatever you do, (guitar riff) work at it with all your heart! As working for the Lord, not for men." I promise you, I will never forget Colossians 3:23.
Perfectly pertinent. Time to place pride in my schoolwork, in my ability to study, not in my ability to procrastinate. Time to take pride in a life of work and dedication, not leisure and ease. I never want another day to pass where I say, "Man, I wish I could do this day again" because any day where I say that is a day I haven't given everything I've got.
Back to the verse in Galatians; I found it finally. Just one verse was presented in the article, but I read the whole chapter. Let's have a look at the main points: "If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.... A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."-Galatians 6:3-5, 8-9
Well, shoot. It's fitting that I have to do homework now, but I leave you with this final musing: "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right."-Henry Ford.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Sometimes, I Want to Just Run Away
Today was my very worst day in the entire time I've been in college. I started off the morning late for class because I managed to sleep through both alarms I set up. Undaunted, I convinced myself this was going to be a great day if I just kept telling myself that it would be. I went to class, made it through the 3 hours of lecture and activities, and was asked to stay after class by my teacher. She leads me to her office only to say that if I get 100% on the remaining assignments in one portion of the class, the highest grade I can get is a D, and I'll have to drop all nine units worth of credit since the three classes I take from her must be taken concurrently.
I steeled my will and resisted the urge to cry, convinced this was a test from God to see how I trust in Him at all times. I had an appointment at a local school directly after my second class of the day so I drove and parked in the pay-by-the-hour spot. Armed with quarters, I walk over to the kiosk only to find a man working on the only machine in the nearest 500 yards. He informs me that the machine should be up by this afternoon, and I should be able to park in the spot until then. I see other cars in the other designated spots, but I leave a note on my dash stating that the machine was broken and I'd be back in an hour just to be cautious. Sitting in class 30 minutes later, I felt uneasy, so I grabbed some quarters and made my way to the lot to see if the machine was fixed yet only to find my car booted with yet another $90 ticket on the windshield. The supervisor at parking services was as sympathetic to my case as a wall would have been. After paying the appropriate people the appropriate amounts, my car was released and I made my way to where I needed to go that afternoon.
On my drive back, I couldn't fight it any longer as the tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't overcome the feeling of utter failure and hopelessness. I rounded the last few corners and hoped I wouldn't see anyone I know, or if I did that they wouldn't see the tears trickling out from under my sunglasses. Finally, I said one little prayer that I would find a close parking spot so I could go up to my room as quickly as possible.
Now, the way my apartment complex is set up, there is one main row, with limited parking, flanked by the buildings on either side, that leads to a parking garage at the back. I think I've been able to park on the main row twice since I moved here one month ago. As I drive past my building, the last one on the left, there is one singular parking spot, directly in front of the stairwell that leads to my apartment. Through all the turmoil, heartbreak, and confusion of the day, my one tiny prayer was answered. Even when it seemed like everyone was disappointed in me or giving me some terrible news or telling me that there was nothing they could do, He did something. I'm still trying to figure this whole mess of a day out, but that simple act of kindness was like God saying, "I know things are bad now, but please, just hold on and I'll answer all the rest of your prayers, too. Just wait." It pulled me out of my head and made me see that in the darkest moments there are tiny slivers of glittering hope if we just look for them long enough.
I realized more than anything, my pride was hurt today, which is something I have trouble dealing with. I was going to enjoy telling people how, in my senior year of college, I carried 22 credits my first semester, worked part time, and completed 70 hours in a real classroom outside of all of that, all while donating plasma once a week and volunteering at church every week, still finding time to have a social life. I was going to revel in the adoration and astonishment that was going to get me, similar to that when I told them I graduated high school a semester early, got my Associate's three semesters later at 18 and would have my Bachelor's by the time I'm 20. It was going to be the crowning achievement of my young life, and now that was shot. I had to promise to pay my parent's back when I saw them next and rehash every painful detail of dealing with parking services and listen to their disappointment. I set up an appointment with a free counseling service through my school and hopefully that will help me learn to deal with these things more maturely.
I'll end with one verse. I found it and wrote it down a long time ago for a friend of mine who I thought was going down a dangerous path, but I think I was meant to remember it for my own sake now.
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."-Proverbs 11:3
I steeled my will and resisted the urge to cry, convinced this was a test from God to see how I trust in Him at all times. I had an appointment at a local school directly after my second class of the day so I drove and parked in the pay-by-the-hour spot. Armed with quarters, I walk over to the kiosk only to find a man working on the only machine in the nearest 500 yards. He informs me that the machine should be up by this afternoon, and I should be able to park in the spot until then. I see other cars in the other designated spots, but I leave a note on my dash stating that the machine was broken and I'd be back in an hour just to be cautious. Sitting in class 30 minutes later, I felt uneasy, so I grabbed some quarters and made my way to the lot to see if the machine was fixed yet only to find my car booted with yet another $90 ticket on the windshield. The supervisor at parking services was as sympathetic to my case as a wall would have been. After paying the appropriate people the appropriate amounts, my car was released and I made my way to where I needed to go that afternoon.
On my drive back, I couldn't fight it any longer as the tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't overcome the feeling of utter failure and hopelessness. I rounded the last few corners and hoped I wouldn't see anyone I know, or if I did that they wouldn't see the tears trickling out from under my sunglasses. Finally, I said one little prayer that I would find a close parking spot so I could go up to my room as quickly as possible.
Now, the way my apartment complex is set up, there is one main row, with limited parking, flanked by the buildings on either side, that leads to a parking garage at the back. I think I've been able to park on the main row twice since I moved here one month ago. As I drive past my building, the last one on the left, there is one singular parking spot, directly in front of the stairwell that leads to my apartment. Through all the turmoil, heartbreak, and confusion of the day, my one tiny prayer was answered. Even when it seemed like everyone was disappointed in me or giving me some terrible news or telling me that there was nothing they could do, He did something. I'm still trying to figure this whole mess of a day out, but that simple act of kindness was like God saying, "I know things are bad now, but please, just hold on and I'll answer all the rest of your prayers, too. Just wait." It pulled me out of my head and made me see that in the darkest moments there are tiny slivers of glittering hope if we just look for them long enough.
I realized more than anything, my pride was hurt today, which is something I have trouble dealing with. I was going to enjoy telling people how, in my senior year of college, I carried 22 credits my first semester, worked part time, and completed 70 hours in a real classroom outside of all of that, all while donating plasma once a week and volunteering at church every week, still finding time to have a social life. I was going to revel in the adoration and astonishment that was going to get me, similar to that when I told them I graduated high school a semester early, got my Associate's three semesters later at 18 and would have my Bachelor's by the time I'm 20. It was going to be the crowning achievement of my young life, and now that was shot. I had to promise to pay my parent's back when I saw them next and rehash every painful detail of dealing with parking services and listen to their disappointment. I set up an appointment with a free counseling service through my school and hopefully that will help me learn to deal with these things more maturely.
I'll end with one verse. I found it and wrote it down a long time ago for a friend of mine who I thought was going down a dangerous path, but I think I was meant to remember it for my own sake now.
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."-Proverbs 11:3
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
YOLO
I have an hour between classes, so I thought I'd chronicle a little bit of what's been going on with me today.
I'm doing things differently these days, or at least, I'm trying to. Since I last posted, I've moved four times, and I'm only one school year away from graduating and one calendar year away from student teaching. It's all very scary and going by quickly and tediously slow at the same time. As I've settled in to my latest house, I'm trying to get my life and my room in some kind of order. It's nice sometimes to realize that God has everything taken care of, and I can rest in that knowledge when things get really stressful.
Lately, growing in the Word has been left by the wayside. I figured my Sunday service attendance was enough for the time being. Even when I do read, I usually just do the whole close my eyes and open my Bible, hoping for some Divine intervention and a glowing revelation of a poignant verse to appear before me. Usually, I feel like I'm not doing it right, but I think just doing it in and of itself is right, so I'll keep going.
One thing I want to preface about me is that I've been called many names, including weird, teacher's pet, goody two shoes, strange, quirky, different, hipster, gypsy(hence, gypsy Christian), poser, naive, and funny. And not funny in a humorous way, but that kind of funny where people crinkle their nose and mean it more as an insult then a compliment of your comedic prowess. Nowadays, I don't mind so very much, but it wasn't always that way. Also, I hated middle school. As any graduate of public middle school will tell you, being different is not highly coveted during that time period or looked upon fondly.
As I began my usual reading ritual of flipping through my tattered Bible that I've had since I was a preteen, I flipped towards the back and landed in 1 Peter. Luckily, this Bible has little blurbs that explain certain verses, and I often look to them when I need some layman's term explanations of verses that seem so outdated and alien. This particular blurb mentioned 1 Peter 2:9-12. It states that we are to be different.
"Hmmm, maybe that meant something else back then. Let's cross check with the handy-dandy study Bible on my desk."
Nope, same definition. Different. Awesome. Well, this is going to be fun at a largely liberal college. "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."-1 Peter 2:12
I don't know how well this is going to go over with my friends. But are they really my friends if I can't be true to myself around them? Looking back one verse, Peter writes, "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul". How could I want a life full of acts that wage war against my soul? As I think more about my peers, I realize that many of them are unhappy with their lives, yet claim freedom and independence on the weekends when they do as they please. They have to try so hard to convince themselves that they're living the life they want and having fun while doing so, yet end up crying come Monday and often regret their decisions, all the while saying they have "no regrets". The phrase YOLO comes to mind. I've also come across the saying, "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough". I can only have faith in the knowledge that God is looking out for those who love Him, and try my best to count myself among them.
As the phrase goes, "I don't have it all figured out", and I don't. I hardly have this next week figured out. God has it all figured out though, so I guess I can't see the harm in trusting Him with all that I have and getting to check "Figure life out" off my list of things to do.
I'm doing things differently these days, or at least, I'm trying to. Since I last posted, I've moved four times, and I'm only one school year away from graduating and one calendar year away from student teaching. It's all very scary and going by quickly and tediously slow at the same time. As I've settled in to my latest house, I'm trying to get my life and my room in some kind of order. It's nice sometimes to realize that God has everything taken care of, and I can rest in that knowledge when things get really stressful.
Lately, growing in the Word has been left by the wayside. I figured my Sunday service attendance was enough for the time being. Even when I do read, I usually just do the whole close my eyes and open my Bible, hoping for some Divine intervention and a glowing revelation of a poignant verse to appear before me. Usually, I feel like I'm not doing it right, but I think just doing it in and of itself is right, so I'll keep going.
One thing I want to preface about me is that I've been called many names, including weird, teacher's pet, goody two shoes, strange, quirky, different, hipster, gypsy(hence, gypsy Christian), poser, naive, and funny. And not funny in a humorous way, but that kind of funny where people crinkle their nose and mean it more as an insult then a compliment of your comedic prowess. Nowadays, I don't mind so very much, but it wasn't always that way. Also, I hated middle school. As any graduate of public middle school will tell you, being different is not highly coveted during that time period or looked upon fondly.
As I began my usual reading ritual of flipping through my tattered Bible that I've had since I was a preteen, I flipped towards the back and landed in 1 Peter. Luckily, this Bible has little blurbs that explain certain verses, and I often look to them when I need some layman's term explanations of verses that seem so outdated and alien. This particular blurb mentioned 1 Peter 2:9-12. It states that we are to be different.
"Hmmm, maybe that meant something else back then. Let's cross check with the handy-dandy study Bible on my desk."
Nope, same definition. Different. Awesome. Well, this is going to be fun at a largely liberal college. "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."-1 Peter 2:12
I don't know how well this is going to go over with my friends. But are they really my friends if I can't be true to myself around them? Looking back one verse, Peter writes, "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul". How could I want a life full of acts that wage war against my soul? As I think more about my peers, I realize that many of them are unhappy with their lives, yet claim freedom and independence on the weekends when they do as they please. They have to try so hard to convince themselves that they're living the life they want and having fun while doing so, yet end up crying come Monday and often regret their decisions, all the while saying they have "no regrets". The phrase YOLO comes to mind. I've also come across the saying, "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough". I can only have faith in the knowledge that God is looking out for those who love Him, and try my best to count myself among them.
As the phrase goes, "I don't have it all figured out", and I don't. I hardly have this next week figured out. God has it all figured out though, so I guess I can't see the harm in trusting Him with all that I have and getting to check "Figure life out" off my list of things to do.
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